“It will be ok”

My mind is strong but my spirit is stronger.  My mind is usually good to me, but on occasion can be a real asshole and drag me down. Regularly, my ego confuses me by imitating my spirit and together with my mind plots to dupe me into thinking that I am greater or less than I am. My goal today and for this new year is to allow my mind to bring me new understanding but let my spirit define me; to be authentic.

Although the young girl in these stories has shaped the person that I am today, she is not me. She was young, nervous and afraid, but she was strong- the former from my mind, the latter from my spirit. In order to remember and conjure, I close my eyes and put myself in the moment. There are elements of the girl in front of me that resemble me, but so much is different. I remove my current self from any analysis and try to clearly and honestly reflect the image before me. She is young, nervous and afraid, but she is strong. The story unfolds and I can taste the fear and the bile, a reflux from a past life. Like a single chord from a forgotten song I try to recreate the melody in my head. Each time I repeat the song a bit more comes back to me. I can eventually sing the entire melody but it is perhaps in the wrong key. The emotions create the foundation upon which the story unfolds. The emotions are not forgotten, only the details of the verse.

To go there is difficult at times. The stories are unromantic and harsh. The vulnerability of the young girl frightens me and although I know the outcome is more or less positive, the details of the detours are sometimes severe and hard to watch. After I have captured the scene to the best of my ability my 46 year-old self holds my 13 year-old self in an extended embrace. I whisper, “it will be ok, you will be ok.” This is true. I remember these words in my ear and I had enough faith in my future self to believe it. Time is funny like that, our bodies are fixed but our spirits can transcend time and space.

So again, my goal today and for this new year is to allow my mind to bring me new understanding but let my spirit define me; to be authentic. May I always be open to a new understanding and welcoming to all my spirit seeks to convey.

About Kelli K.

The purpose for staring this blog is threefold, one, to push my personal limits a bit and share my story with others, two, hopefully in doing so, to get a clearer understanding of myself and three, to inspire the youth with similar stories to keep going. My story is weird. I’ve seen the response on people’s faces my entire life. I am fairly guarded on what and how I share with people but I have decided I’m too old give a fuck anymore. As I’ve said, my story is weird, but only parts. Many parts are very normal. Hopefully this blog will allow me to introduce myself in a way that reflects my many angles (and curves) and refuses to let you walk away and peg me as, “the girl who did this” or “the girl who did that”.
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2 Responses to “It will be ok”

  1. Bernadette says:

    i am near tears after reading this. i hadn’t been to this page in a while and just happened upon this link in my fb feed. hope, in the height of my despair, always finds its way to me through the most mysterious ways. this connected to me deeply, and in the most perfect timing. thank you for your courage, unabashed honesty, and openness to share your life, It truly is a gift to anyone who joins this journey.

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